This isn’t a post about fashion or a cool beauty service that I got to try. This is real life and sometimes real life does happen to bloggers. I know we show all the fun, posing in a different outfit every day, and the cool events we go to, but sometimes big life changes happen too and they’re not always good.
One of those life changes happened a year ago today when my mom passed away from lung cancer despite having never smoked a cigarette in her life. The only way I can describe the year was weird. It’s weird to never celebrate Mother’s Day again, or her birthday or see her during the holidays. My sister thinks of death as a permanent vacation, but I just think of them as gone in body, but defiantly not in spirit, but we’ll get to that later.
The 1st Year
I think my sister and I were both not prepared with what my mom’s death would bring and no one tells you. Dealing with lawyers, real estate agents, additional people in the will and cleaning out the house. It’s mentally and physically exhausting and it was just me and my sister handling all of it.
This year has also left me with some regrets. My mom and I didn’t always get along. I didn’t agree with a lot of decisions she made when I was growing up and while I did forgive her and moved on, I never asked her why she did these things before she passed. My one tip is, don’t let things go without trying to find out answers.
Everyone grieves differently during death and for me, I didn’t cry a lot during her passing. I cried when she got sick, when we got the news about hospice and when the hospice nurse told us she would go during the night. But when it happened I didn’t. Honestly, I think I was in shock and exhausted. However, that changed during the first year as I literally would burst into tears for no reason at all. Sometimes it would be when I was watching something non-sad on TV and sometimes it would be when I was just sitting on the couch. They say that it means your deceased loved one is near so that gave me some comfort.
I mentioned above that my mom is gone in body but not spirit. Whether you believe in this or not, I believe that loved ones do visit you and I think she has several times. Not in a ghostly form, but in little things that happened around the house. She touched my face once when I was crying and I’m pretty sure she “helped” me find some of her Thanksgiving decorations that I didn’t even know I had.
The holidays were tough last year because she passed the day before Thanksgiving, I didn’t celebrate the holidays at all. This year, I’m trying to have normal holidays, but still get sad at times. I’m sure as time goes on it will get easier. However, I’ll be forever grateful for having had such an inspiring woman as my mother.
I love writing, especially when it’s about something I have an emotional connection to because it’s somewhat therapeutic. I also hope that someone who has had a parent pass can relate to how I’m feeling and know that there are a lot of us unfortunately in “the club” and you’re not alone.
I truly hope that you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Xoxo Alison
Photography By: KSTU Photography